Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
did you just send me my own nude
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
