I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
