Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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