Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
