I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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