Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
