i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize