Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
