I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
