Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
