If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
