I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
