after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
