So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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