She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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