Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize