didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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