I looked at my own cervix.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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