We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
