She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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