I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
