fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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