he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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