I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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