if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I need to wash the frat house off of me
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
