the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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