it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
