I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize