So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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