i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
