ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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