You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm sobbing to NWA
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
