Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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