if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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