Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Randomize
