the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
