He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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