Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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