i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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