booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
