So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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