the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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