Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
