I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
