A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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