we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
