I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
How naked do you want me to be?
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