I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
i've created a new STD.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
