his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
