I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
