she woke up with a sticky ear
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
