It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
