This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
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