I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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