the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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