Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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