If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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