Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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